Please forgive me
I love you
The Artists Adventures course exercise on The Three of Clubs – is called Worst Case Scenario and on a personal level the timing for this card was somewhat ironically perfect, as I’m experiencing the (terrible) results of one of my own worst fears – that is letting other people down.
I’ve always thought of myself as someone who’s reliable, keeps to their word and is a really good friend. My worst case scenario – my shadow side – the side I can’t abide or accept would be the opposite of that – someone who lets people down, doesn’t keep their promises and isn’t there for their friends and loved ones.
But I have to face it, in terms of honoring the commitments I’ve made, I’ve let so many people down over the past few years, especially those closest to me of course, that I’ve felt a huge weight of guilt and self-reproach about it.
Step 1 in moving beyond this is of course, being able to even accept that I’ve created these situations – responsibility yes, but also self-acceptance and self-forgiveness. If I can’t accept and forgive myself, why should I expect anyone else to?
Here’s a lovely quote from Anodea Judith‘s wonderful book “Eastern Body, Western Mind: Psychology and the Chakra System as a Path to the Self“: it’s about the third chakra, which is the one I seem to have been stuck on:
[aesop_quote type=”block” background=”#5d7789″ text=”#ffffff” align=”left” size=”1″ quote=”Power is the ability to make change and exists for one reason only – transformation. When the old has outgrown its purpose, it is time to transform it into something new. Power is not a thing, but a way. It is a process of becoming real. We have power when we dare to live authentically, when we reach inside ourselves and tell the naked truth. The more we dare to take risks, to question, to be true to ourselves, the easier it becomes… in order to escape the narrow traps of personal limitations and approach the magnificent expanse of totality, we must reclaim our power…” cite=”Anodea Judith” parallax=”off” direction=”left”]
Anodea says that to heal this (which she relates to an unbalanced third chakra), it’s best to go gently, like kindling a fire – not the bright flame of starting something, but the soft spark of lightthat can either just puff out or turn into a real fire which keeps it all going.
So, instead of (continuing to) beat myself up about all the things I’ve not done, the promises I’ve broken, the commitments I haven’t kept, I’m starting with an apology (recognition of my responsibility) and a pause.
- The pause is the thinking time before making any new commitments or promises – for each of these, will I allow it to puff out or let it start to burn?
- The pause is also the point before making any decisions – am I jeapoardising being able to honor the commitments I’ve already made through doing this – will I be able to keep all those fires burning?
- And finally, the pause is for the empowering breath I take before I take action – with a smile of course – towards steadily paying back my debts, gently putting things right with people and knowing that I’m continually rebuilding my faith in my own word and radiating that beyond to everyone around me.
So I’ve made a mess of things? It’s time to face up to it and to slowly rekindle the fire…
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